I lost my dad twice. Once to disappointment and the final loss was to COVID.
I never got to say goodbye... We never reconciled, and I don't know what to do with my broken heart. Feels like yesterday and I didn't realize that it had almost been a decade since the last time we hugged, laughed, held hands, or looked one another in the eye.
The disappointment made it feel like yesterday that I felt betrayed, hurt, confused, and begging for some sort of explanation. Felt like 2 weeks ago that I just gave up and walked away. Felt like a month ago that people told me he spoke ill on my name. Felt like yesterday, every time I replayed each heart-breaking moment. Didn't realize it was almost a decade until he died 3 months into the 2020 pandemic. The virus murdered him in 7 days. Seven days and he was physically gone.
All the days of feeling disappointed and angry melted away in just one moment. All of it evaporated in thin air the moment he took his last breath.
No more moments left to dwell, in order to survive I must heal.
Feels like the biggest hill to climb but when I look up, I see the heavens and smile. I know despite all; he is with the Creator and here with me in spirit. I believe he hears me. I find comfort knowing that he can view the entire picture of our situation. I believe that he now understands why I was so hurt and disappointed in him. And while that brings me some comfort, I don't have the peace I need because I want to know why he was upset with me? What made him move the way he was moving? I would like to have the peace that I imagine he has now...
Nonetheless, I am here looking forward to making it back to him one day.
Until then I pray you guide me daddy. Walk with me, pray with me, guide me through this journey and I pray I make you proud. I love you and miss you.
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