Nicohla just called to vent. I could tell she was just trying to work her way through her thoughts and emotions so I just sat and listened.
A little acknowledgement that I was following the conversation was all that was going to be needed so, I grabbed me a bottle of wine and just listened.
She was in a different space. Mind racing and wondering about her life. She wasn't sure why she had been repeating some habits and decided to take a walk backwards. I was ready and willing to join her so off we went.
Her first question to herself was, "When did you start self sabotaging?" She kept asking herself, "When?" She sounded like she was pacing the floor and kept repeating, "When? I think I am just tearing my life up and I have to figure this out now before I ruin what's left of me." She just kept repeating when, when, when then she just started piecing it together. She said she thought it was 2014. She was sad in 2014 and it hurt like hell and remembered abruptly quitting a job in 2015 because she couldn't control her emotions from all the heartache.
I asked, "Wasn't that your second time there?"
And BING! She just started putting it all together and started talking really fast. I kept listening, I was taking the journey with her.
She went on about 2008...
2008, she remembered that she had started singing in a local band.
2009, everyone seemed to love her voice so she started diving in deeper and was booking gigs all around her area. In the meantime, she got a new job offer, closer to home and making more money.
She hated it.
Regretted leaving her old position. Wanted to sing full-time while she figured out what was next. She talked to her husband and he not only supported her but wanted to help manager her. She said it was going well and they were doing a great job of balancing but... 2010, She got her heartbroken by her husband. He had done some dirt. (I knew what that meant cause she told me when she found out) Once she found out, she stopped singing and went back to work full-time. She found out May 23, 2010 and was back in the office the first week of June 2010.
I slid in a, "Yeahssssss bitch", loud enough for her to hear me but not enough for her to break her flow.
She went on to say that during 2010-2013, she was trying to figure it out and literally falling apart while doing so.
I didn't say this to her because I was listening but, I remember that timeframe and she was looking crazy. I knew she was having a hard time with all of this but she shut everyone out and I had so much going on that I didn't know how to support her through it. I know not doing anything is not what she would have done to me, but I wanted to live my life and had things to balance as well. Plus, I wanted to laugh, be happy... She was always sad and down and trying to get her to snap out of that was like a full-time job so honestly, I ghosted for periods of time too... Listening to her bring up the memories from these times made me feel guilty but she kept on talking and I kept on listening...
2014, she said was the year that the straw had broken the camels back. She had been promoted into a new position at the job. Great increase, everything was going well and then she was introduced to office politics. She hated it wanted her old position back but trained her replacement so well that she couldn't get it back. She felt like she was not making any right decisions regarding herself. Still doing her thing though with balancing her personal life and work, but then she lost her parents at the end of the year... After that, she could not pull it together.
For those 4 years (2010 - 2014) she was just trying to hang on. Forgive and move on with her husband and then this happened and now she wasn't trusting herself, her decisions, her path... She questioned, "What I'm not following my path correctly? What if I had left my husband and not the band, what if I kept on signing, would my parents still be alive, would I feel so depressed all the time?!"
I had no answers so I kept on listening.
She burst into tears. I asked her did she want me to come over and sit with her and she said no. He was out and she wasn't sure what time he would get back and that she just needed to talk. So I kept listening.
She went back to how her parents absence was so heartbreaking and built up so much anger and disappointment in herself. She said that she no longer trusted herself. That she thinks the moment she decided to stay with a man that would cheat on her, she lost pieces of herself that just couldn't come back in this environment.
She felt like she went into self protection mode and became the type of woman that a man should cheat on because she was never that before and look what had happened?!
She said the funny thing was she still trusted him. She trusted him to do whatever he wanted to do at any given time. She said that because she had excepted that, he could never break her heart again. She said that when she decided to stay, it wasn't to change him. She loved him for who he showed her he was and she had no regrets about that. She went on to say that he continues to show her and that nothing between them had seemed to change. However, she continued, "because he is still everything that I thought about him before he broke my heart, it is the same reason I cannot fully let my guard down because I feel no malice with his energy. How else could he lie to me and my spirit didn't even know it?"
She paused, waiting for me to answer.
I said, "right". I had never looked at it that way but she was right. You know how much love you have to have for someone to not feel when they are betraying you?
The type of love you feel blessed to have but cursed to experience when it does betray you. You will never feel sicker, weaker, or more mentally fucked up as when the grown up you love, and love unconditionally, fuck you over with no regards for the condition of your heart. I was really feeling her at this point. And she kept talking...
"You ever lost a soulmate? " she said as if she was still questioning herself. "I have and you literally lose your soul. Nothing makes sense anymore". She was like, "girl I don't know what to do next. I can't go on like this. It's like, I forgive him but I can't forgive myself for forgiving him. I didn't deserve it then and it's like I just wait for it to happen again and waiting for it to happen again is killing me. I am killing myself and nobody sees me dying. Nobody is like, you just aren't yourself, are you ok?! So I think I'm tripping. I'm thinking well maybe I am ok. Maybe the only person that thinks that I am not ok is me. Do you think I'm ok?"
Is she talking to me?! I was so damn scared because I'm listening and she asking some real shit. What do I say?! I'm so nervous but I tell the truth and brace myself for where it may lead.
"No", I was damn near whispering when I said that shit but she heard me. I could hear her crying. I was crying with her. I didn't think she was ok... She took her time and then asked fighting back the pain in her voice, "Why didn't you say anything?"
I told her that I didn't know how to say it because I wasn't sure what I was seeing. That she never wanted to talk about anything after he cheated so I didn't know how to start the conversation.
She sobbed, I apologized and she told me it was ok. She acknowledged that she cut everyone off and understood. And then she kept taking and I continued listening.
She picked right back up at 2014. Said she understood the pattern from then through the current date and that she had to get back to herself. She wanted to get back right mentally and emotionally all while fulfilling her dreams of being her best self "In a non-dramatic way". That meant she was no longer just leaving anything, including herself. She came up with a plan on how to start...
She said she was going to start with working hard for the body she wanted while enjoying the one she currently had. She wanted to dress for fun again, wear different styles with her hair, and paint her nails like she used to. Wear matching bra and panty sets and go out and spend time alone again. She sounded so hopeful. Even talked about singing again and how she didn't want to be too big on stage. We laughed... We prayed before we were about to get off the phone. I asked her was she ok? She said yeah, thanked me for listening...
I told her, "Always girl, We all we got."
She laughed and said "CMB!" We both laughed
I looked at the clock, it was after 12 AM, it's like she looked at the clock at the same time that I did cause without missing a beat she said, "That nigga not home yet either." 🥴
Before I could respond I hear Nicohla take a deep breath in and as she exhaled she whispered, "Stick with your plan Nic, just stick to your plan."
I said, "Exactly", we wrapped up the call.
It's now after 3 in the morning and she said he still not home... She on her way over here right now!
To be continued...
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