A Child's Dream Deterred.

Vashti Harrison Illustration

As children, we don’t know any limits.  We dream big, play hard, and have no fear of living because we have no concept of life.  We were just children.  Blissfully open to all of life’s possibilities.

I keep trying to remember the exact moment when that changed.  What was the defining moment that fear was introduced to me and held my hand until I could no longer feel my fingers?  Was it when I first fell off my bike or watched the first movie of someone drowning, so I never learned to swim?  Maybe when I decided to play Chinese jump rope and knocked out my front tooth.  Although all of these instances enhanced my level of fear, I can recall the moment fear became my friend.  It was the exact moment that self-doubt became a cousin, and self-consciousness became an Aunt.  

Young me wanted to be a ballerina.  I remember how the thought made me happy and I was excited to tell my mother that ‘I’, all by myself, had decided what I wanted to be when I grew up.  A BALLERINA!  So I told her.  She looked at me and calmly said, “You’re too fat to be a ballerina.”  

I was crushed.  I will never forget how that made me feel, how those words changed me in ways my young mind couldn’t fathom. 

I know what you’re thinking, “how could a mother say that?”  You may think she was mean, that was verbal abuse, or bullying (the overrated thought of bullying makes me roll my eyes, but we can discuss that another time), or she didn’t love me.  None of that could be further from the truth.  

She was a product of her environment.  She only told me what she would have been told as a child.  She spoke the words her mother would have spoken to her.  It doesn’t make it right, but as a woman, I understand now.  She has since apologized, and we have moved on.  Today, my mother is one of the most supportive and encouraging women I know. 

However, the focus at this time is a child’s dream deterred.  How parents have crippled so many children who have dared to dream yet were told they are too fat, skinny, dark, light, or told the classic where I'm from: "Go to college and get a good government job."  

Even encouragement to go to college varied from home to home, yet the government was where all the people I knew were told to go for security in the workplace.  What about being an entrepreneur, hair stylist, make-up artist, fashion designer,  lawyer, doctor, veterinarian, counselor, actor, singer, songwriter, chef….a ballerina?  Even if you dared to dream of being President of the United States, you were given the side eye back then.

No one told us about writing a business plan, cosmetology school, Make-Up Artist certification, art classes, Parsons, fashion forecasting, the steps to becoming a lawyer, a doctor, veterinarian, counselor, drama classes, vocal lessons, poetry to enhance your songwriting skills, culinary school and dance classes.  Supportive was a foreign word and only because some adults didn’t know how to be supportive. 

There was no encouragement to work out and eat healthy so that I could become the best ballerina.  There was no suggestion to start with a class to see if  I really wanted to do this.  There was a mold and a standard, and I didn’t fit it, so I was instructed to dream another dream. Can you relate?

Fast forward to today.  I am still fat, never danced in a recital and I break down at the thought of speaking in front of people I don’t know.  I cannot swim, ride a bike, or do a cartwheel.  I do not express myself in situations I feel unsafe.  The one thing I learned that day is that my appearance will take precedence over my purpose.  People will judge me and not give me a chance if I don’t look like I fit in.  

So I enrolled in community college and obtained that "good government job."  I graduated and worked many other positions but in the 'good private industry jobs.'  This was my first official “FUCK YOU!” to the standard, and it felt good.  

Today, I am still fighting for that little girl who believed she could be a ballerina; I support her, nurture, and remind her that she can do anything if she dares to try.  

However, my friend, I was telling you about; Fear.  Well, it encourages my cousin self-doubt to rise, and the strong woman I believe I am starts to quiver in the presence of that little girl because they feel like strangers in those moments.  My Aunt, self-conscious shows up, and the domino effect occurs and I fall…again.  I started to believe that no one cared about my purpose or passion for living fearlessly because that drive grew out of fear.  But today is a new day, and although I have concerns, I am not fearful because I found that the remedy is faith.  

So to all dreamers, who were once deterred, let go of the fear with me. We are creative, resourceful, strong, brilliant beings, and we must dare to pursue life with a passion and have faith that it all will work out for us because we rise to our occasion and live life fearlessly.  

I dare us to live the life we dream of!