A Childless Mother

Artist | Unknown

I often wonder if it was my destiny to be a childless mother... I never wondered about being a mother until I found myself pregnant as a teen.  Not fully understanding that a life was growing inside of my belly and the opportunity I had to make a decision that could have been one of the biggest blessings of my life; instead, I gave the power to the one who was taking care of me, my mother.

It was decided that I would not become a mother.  No conversation or explanation of how this would happen and with no words spoken from my lips I blindly went along with the procedure that would change the trajectory of my emotional and mental well-being going forward.  

The procedure was quick and painless; from a physical point of view but mentally I would suffer for years with no one to share the pain and agony I felt on the inside from having life sucked from my 15-year-old womb.  I didn't understand from that point and going forward I would forever ask myself questions like: At what point do you become a mother?

Does conception make you a mother?

Does carrying a baby to full-term make you a mother?

Maybe the moment you hear the first heartbeat?

Or are you only a mom after delivery?

Or, is becoming a mother the act of choosing to become the nurturer to those that surround you?  

I don't know what the answer is but I do know that in my heart I became a mother the day my baby was sucked out of me and disposed of like garbage.  It's a pain that I have yet to face within myself, I don't know how to begin to work through grieving someone I never got to meet but grew inside of me.

I heard his heartbeat.  

I always thought it was a boy.  I had morning sickness for months so I was never able to fully connect with what was going on in my teenage body but once he was removed his life filled up the room.  When the nurse was done and closed the door behind her, I cried.  My eyes couldn't stop pouring out all the pain that my heart felt. Morning sickness transitioned into mourning sickness and never fully left me.

I never felt so weak in my life, I never gave anyone the power to make decisions for me after that day.  I understood all too well that nobody can live with the pain of the decisions that they make on your behalf.  Even if they are your provider, you have to be able to make the hard decisions that are a result of your actions.  I wish someone would have sat and talked with me about the decisions I needed to make, painted a picture for me and assured me that if I needed help they would try to be there but inevitably it would be all on me.  I would now become the provider for another, I would be the guardian of this little boy and I would be a mother.  Instead, that day I became a childless mother.

That baby's soul is all around me. That baby's spirit has been with me since that day I lay lifeless on that table in Planned Parenthood and no matter what anyone sees, that boy sits with me every Mother's Day and tells me that he forgives me for not allowing him to come to life.  It's comforting to know that he is at peace but unfortunately, I am still left in pieces when I reflect.

Naturally, I hone all the skills of a mother, all the love, all the nurturing, all the guidance, but I don't have one human to pour this into without hearing those dreadful words, "You're not my mother."  When it was never my goal to be anyone's mother.  All I ever wanted was to give someone the love I never got to give my child... Until I realized I needed to give this love to myself.

So, what do childless mothers do on Mother's Day?  

Most times I just grieve but moving forward, I will celebrate the mother I have been to myself.