Attempt to Unblock & Unlock

Ghanaian artist Otis Kwame Kye Quaicoe

It's been over a month since the last time I've written.  Needless to say, I still have writer's block...

My mind is continuously running rapidly but unable to land on anything long enough to think it through but I have to explore what is here to move forward.  

I like to think that writers can relate to what I am saying but even if they can't, I must write to survive.  My last blog post was published on June 15!  Since then I have had three menstrual cycles, two visits to the ER for a very ill family member, on consistent nurse duty for over a week now, hair appointments, cleaning, organizing, planning, assisting with business matters, balancing a budget for things that were never planned but were urgent matters, consistently attempting to balance a volunteer position that often requires the attention of a full-time job, going to family social events, attempting to be an amazing wife and woman of the house, all while attempting to follow the path that was laid for me.  Perhaps all that I've named is the path that is laid out for me...

IDK, but everything I listed is indeed a piece of my journey, however, nothing beats sitting here writing about all of those things.  Nothing makes me feel as free as expressing myself openly and attempting to find the right words to write out describing the feelings or thoughts that I am currently having.  To find truth in fiction or fact by simply expressing myself with words bring me peace.  

I can't help but immediately feel sad once I accept that this is my calling because I can't seem to figure out how to monetize this part of my life that I feel called to live out.  At the end of the day, it all comes back to the value others place on what you believe makes you valuable.  People can encourage you all day to follow your dreams but if your dreams do not bring in revenue, those very people will tell you to go get you a more profitable dream.  At the end of it all, somebody needs to pay for your existence and it better be you because sooner or later everyone reminds you that you're eating off their plate. 

Yet still, IDK.  

I do know that I am trying.  I do know that I am exhausted.  I do know that I believed that I would be in a different space as I approach the middle point of my life's journey.  Soon enough I will have more days behind me than I have ahead of me and I don't feel any closer to realizing my true purpose.  This used to bring me to tears but lately, all it does is reminds me that my "To Do" list is growing and there is not enough time left to dwell.  Only time for growth... 

Then that makes me circle back because the most profound growth happens when one is not afraid to dwell.  Dwell in the sense of allowing the mind to wander far back enough to learn from the past.  Not staying in the past but using the past to encourage growth.

So, what now? What is next for me? I honestly don't know, I've tried to plan it all out since I was 16 years old.  Looking back, I've realized that every 16 years my world shakes and I find myself being the biggest encourager of self.  I find myself tapping into the God that lives in me.  Every 16 years I am faced with making a choice that will, alter my life as I know it and I am realizing that all the time in between each 16 years is the time of preparation.  It is the time that I need to use to develop my skills that will be heavily relied upon during the next 16-year journey.  

As this current 16-year cycle takes it time to ease into its fourth quarter, I understand my true purpose is to write about my very human experience.  To connect with others in hopes that they to can find their way on their paths.  Despite our differences, we all just want to complete what we feel called to do.  Why not do it together?