Big Courage

Artist: Unknown

 Last week I lost 4 pounds.  I should be excited right?  Unfortunately, I am not; I just feel sad about it.

I've always been a yo-yo when it comes to my weight because (and this is the first time that I am openly admitting this) my weight has been my security blanket.  My weight has served as my protection against those who are not the type of people that I want or need in my life.  Or I assumed it was.  It hasn't been though because my feelings are continuously hurt by those I love and I am consistently surrounded by.  Unfortunately, the ones I claim to protect myself from are the only ones that have been naturally placed on my path.

Why am I surrounded by people who are ashamed of the way I look?  
Why do I absorb the energy of these people instead of projecting the confidence that I naturally feel?

I don't want to be ambitious about changing my body because I hate my body.  I want to be ambitious about changing my body because I want to bend comfortably, I want to walk and not get winded easily, I want to be active without feeling like I am about to pass out because I lack oxygen.  
I want to be healthy. PERIOD

I don't want to say I want to be healthy and look like this or that.  I want to be healthy and comfortable in my skin. I don't want to wish I was anything other than my optimal self and I don't know what that appearance is, I just know what I want to FEEL like.  

Makes me wonder if bees wish they were birds...  I hope not because everything, in every shape, has its purpose.  That's the space I know I need to thrive in but the human nature to want to fit into what humans say is an acceptable space for me is hard to break free from. 

When I think of how I was once healthy but still in a bigger body and all of the insensitive things that people said to me, it makes me want to hold on to every pound as if my life depended on it.  Not because I want to be fat but because nothing has been more eye-opening than living in this larger body and taking up space.  Nothing has made me instantly see other people's true colors than walking into a room and taking the air out of it because not only am I taking up space but I dress well while doing it.  I instantly create a love/hate situation among women.  

"She think she better than everyone." 

"She think she cute."  My favorite is when I start talking to someone and they immediately start talking about how they need to work out.  Or how they need to change their diet because they have been eating too much and they are the size of my thigh.  

STFU and stop pouring your insecurities into me indirectly.  I wish I had the audacity they had and in those moments I wish I had the nerve to actually say, "Yes, you should do that. Instead of saying dumb shit like, "Yeah, me too."  In this space is where I need to start projecting my great energy and I don't, I match their whack ass energy and the guilt of that creates this endless cycle of shame and instead of shining, I dim myself and ultimately gain more weight.

Can I confess something that I have been ashamed to admit?  I love being a bigger woman.  Not at my current weight but the weight I was when people put me down the most was my favorite weight to be.  I was physically active and strong, I was extremely flexible, and I was really happy with my body and what it could do.  I look at past pictures and all I can hear is the negative comments about how I looked at the time. And you know what's ironic?  Those same women who said things like, "Look at your arms?" or made a grimacing face, will see those pictures today and make comments like, "OMG! You were so small!"  And that breaks my heart because they finally see what I felt about myself but had I been sure of myself, their opinion would not have turned me into the version of myself that THEY saw back then.

 
Nothing is more infuriating than hearing the people who introduced you to insecurity praise past images of you as if the words they spoke that broke your heart were never something they let spill from their lips.  However, I have to take accountability for allowing anyone to shake the confidence that I had in myself.  I have to find a way to forgive myself for allowing anyone to destroy my self-esteem.
It sounds so simple to do but something in me keeps fighting this portion of the healing process.  Something in me feels the urge to make these people change their perspective but that is not my place nor is it my ministry.  It's time for me to focus on myself and stand sure and confidently in this space that was created just for me.  If you want to be a part of it, fine.  But moving forward, I am not accepting any negative energy.  Those that should be in my story will naturally fit into place and those that do not, I have to make peace with moving forward without them.

Not sure what the future has in store for my body shape but today, I feel better and ready to MOVE forward totally in love with who I am in this moment.  Anticipating feeling better about what my body can do now that I have freed my mind from the opinions of others.  I dare to be myself and most importantly, I do not fear what will happen if I love every step of this journey moving forward.

Still...  I can't help but fear losing those that I love because how they see me triggers an insecurity in me that I can't seem to shake.  I've always hoped that if I stayed fat long enough, the people I love will accept me and love me as is and I could use that unconditional love as fuel to change.  It hasn't worked for over 30 years and it is time for me to move forward and love myself into the healthiest version.

I finally have the courage to be my best self.