2024 | HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Artist: Unknown

It's officially the second week of the year but more than likely, people are just pulling themselves together today and doing things like going back into the office, implementing a schedule, reactivating hope and vigor for the new year...  You know, the annual norm.

I feel meh yet motivated.  Excited yet lacking luster... I think it's my age and acceptance that while I know many things I am still learning, including the things I know.  The things I know are still being learned and explored.

I look forward to this year and I feel confident in expressing to others that I am still protecting myself from experiences that put me in a negative space.  Everyone would like for me to experience them but nobody takes ownership in how they are experienced so I opt out for now.  The crazy thing about time is you don't know when the next time is the last time to have the opportunity to be in someone's space.

Made me think of the last time I was able to spend time with one of my uncles.  This particular Uncle is one that I saw as a favorite because he was funny and honest, and he always had gems to share so I felt that he taught me things.  I also did not like to spend a lot of time with him because he would always make negative comments about my weight.  

The last time I saw him he was telling me about one of his aunts, my grandmother's sister to be exact.  He was saying how fat she was and how he would just look at her in disgust and all this other stuff that I can't remember verbatim but I can clearly remember how his words made me FEEL.  Once he finished describing how his Aunt looks were not pleasing to him, he leaned closer to me and I leaned in because I thought he wanted to tell me something that he didn't want others to hear but all he wanted to tell me was that I reminded him of that Aunt.

I can laugh about it now because I love him but fuck him. (said with love)

 He passed away and while I wished him well in his transition I can't say that I shed a tear.  While my love for him will always remain, I knew I had no business being around him because he never felt good for my well-being.  I was always in a state of recovery after leaving his presence.  My apologies in advance to those who love me yet dislike me, I am not available for the experience you provide.  Maybe another time I will feel strong enough to encounter other people but now I am rebuilding my foundation from scratch and I can't chance going backwards knowing that some people tend to hurt my feelings more than others.

All respect for those who can push forward despite any circumstances but that is not my superpower and those that get me will not encourage me to damage myself by being in the presence of anyone that does not care for me enough to take care of my well-being.  I want to be encouraged to do what is best for me because the benefit of me operating at full capacity blesses those that I am here to serve.  Anyone that wants less is not who I am supposed to serve and I am learning to accept that.

So, I say all that today that I have high hopes for this new year.  I feel courageous enough to do right by me and succeed on my terms.  I wish us all the best and hope that we take care of one another as well as ourselves on this new journey.

Happy New Year to you all!