Rootless

Artist: Unknown

I am not sure at what age you can experience the loss of a parent and be at peace with it.

I am not sure how long it takes to stop feeling like you are in pieces of the loss of your beginning, your roots.

That's how I viewed my dad, the root of me.  Without his seed planted in my mother's womb, I would have never bloomed.  Most people feel the pull and the connection with their mother but for some reason at a very young age I understood the connection to him and without him has been an indescribable experience.

At some point in our relationship, I felt like he took our bond for granted.  I felt like he didn't respect the woman I was developing into and the life I was attempting to create for myself.  I felt like he didn't mind breaking me because he knew I would allow him to mend me if needed and if that was his assumption, he was wrong.

As a woman, I had hit my ceiling of allowing people to run rampant in my life like a bull in a china shop and assuming that there would be an extension of grace to allow them to repair all that had been damaged.  For some reason, this world feels if you break it you can buy it and what had been broken in me could not be repaired with money.

Just as I reflected in Unbreakable, I knew that the only person who could fix what he was breaking was me and ultimately our relationship suffered.  I can reflect on this a million times and I always come back to a place of peace because I didn't know until I knew that nothing in this life or the next can compare to having a connection with your roots.

I miss the physical presence of my dad... I miss his smile, his laugh, his corny jokes, his hugs... But most of all I miss the feeling of knowing that someone on this Earth loved me before I took my first breath.  I miss the comfort of the soul connection experienced in real time.  He was the parent who brought me peace and anytime I felt like I was falling into pieces there he was, reminding me that while he was my daddy I had a Father that was way better suited to parent me than he ever could.

With that being said, there are times were I feel rootless but then I find comfort in knowing that what was planted well before I ever arrived could never die.  We are forever connected by the root that never dies, our Creator. And every time I look over my shoulder I know my dad is there because that soul connection is the real life force.  As long as I have breath my daddy can never die, he lives in me just as I live in him.  When the seasons change I will see new growth, proof that I've never been rootless but in a phase of transition.  Learning to embrace the laws of nature and I anticipate the flowers that will produce the upcoming growing season.  

The soil is rich and the roots are strong.